Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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