Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
