somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
