I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Alive.
So much puke
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
