Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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