Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
