Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
