So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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