ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
