are you so shy because you have an std?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
