Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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