the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize