I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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