Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
