I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
