I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
