Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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