I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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