The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
