he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
