The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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