i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
