Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize