you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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