if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was like eating out sand paper
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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