i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
