I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
