I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
