I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
