he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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