dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
