So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
