He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
