last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
