I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
