i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
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