...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
NoShamevember. You game?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
