His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
