I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
