my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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