I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
