So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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