the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
