remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
do herpes really smell.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
