im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
