i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's official drugs can't kill me
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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