Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
