I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
