I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize