For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize