Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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