I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
