i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
