there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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