we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
