some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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