We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
