if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we're making bets on your personal life
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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