The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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