Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
the liver wants what the liver wants
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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