note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
